Once again I find myself reflecting on the complex mechanics involved in following ones heart. There are so many petty trivialities between dreams and reality. So much math and physics, logic and reason.
I’ve already said this though. But I’ll say it again because my heart continues to push and pull in its own directions.
I have always seen myself exploring new lands, smiling and laughing with new strangers each day. What I dream of is adventure. I dream of putting one foot in front of the other in what ever direction seems the most exciting.
Of course I do not do this, I have a job, I have bills, what would my parents think? Who would take me seriously?All these questions and more haunt me daily, but mostly, and this is the basic essential truth, I’m afraid of the unknown.
I worry that if I’m ever to find happiness and satisfaction in my life, it will be through a number of clever concessions that will allow me to feel as if I am following my dream while still meeting the needs of living in the real world.
I’m afraid though that I’m too clever to trick myself into thinking that in some abstract way I am fulfilling my true desires. I’ll always understand deep down the sacrifice I made and the lies I told myself to cover it up.
As the kayak takes shape and the to do list gets shorter I now feel myself regretting the project. As I’ve worked I’ve also been daydreaming about grand adventures and following my aforementioned dreams. However I’m not so sure the kayak is the best vehicle for this. Honestly how far can one get in a vessel of 13 or so feet and the strength in their arms. (somewhere a voice says “a lot farther than you think” but I don’t trust it)
Oh, it’s all so complicated yet deceptively simple.
I just want to live life to the fullest, have exciting adventures, make meaningful and deep connections with the people I meet along the way, and then become a filmmaker who draws on his diverse life experiences to create original and insightful work, which will inspire the next generation of starry-eyed romantics to follow their ill-conceived delusions of greatness, and I mean that in the best possible way.
Is that too much to ask?
So much fuss for so little, I forget that all things must start small.
And so I begin,
again.
